Rumours
by cheeky-squirrel
Summary: A castle full of teenagers means it's also full of rumours. Filius Flitwick reflects upon this during a nightly stroll.


**Disclaimer:**** I do not own Harry Potter, and do not profit from this piece of fanfiction. In reading the following fanfiction, you waive all rights to sue me for psychological damages.**

**Rumours**

Hogwarts was very noisy during the day. Even in the library, you could hear constant whispers. It was especially bad if it should be raining outside. The students got bored—of course they did, they lived in an old castle, in the middle of nowhere, with very little contact with the outside world. So, to alleviate the boredom, they gossiped.

It never really mattered if the rumours were true or not, they were spread around anyway.

Of course, most of the rumours weren't maliciously false, there just seemed to be some confusion somewhere in the line. It was like a game of Telephone. Somehow, "Professor McGonagall says that Professor Snape doesn't like mashed potatoes" ended up as "Professor McGonagall saw Professor Snape making an anatomically correct, scale sculpture of a naked Ron Weasley and that tapestry of Barnabas the Barmy".

They gossiped about Harry Potter- whether he was really crazy, whether he was the only one who could kill He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, and the ever popular 'Who Is He Dating?'

They gossiped about Professor Trelawney; she was a fraud, a big old fraud who couldn't predict rain if she were standing in the Clock Tower Courtyard… In the rain. Not just that, but she was a drunk, too.

There were rumours going around that Professor Snape pranced around his office in a black leotard, fishnet stockings and red high heels singing 'What's New Pussycat' on Saturday nights. This particular rumour was started by Ron Weasley when he was angry at getting detention. It was, of course, entirely untrue:

They were _fuschia_ heels, thank you very much.

Mr Filch used to be an assassin for the Ministry before he had a nervous breakdown and declared that his cat was the reincarnation of his childhood nanny, and tried to marry said childhood-nanny-in-the-body-of-a-cat.

Madam Pince did some terrible things with the books in the Library at night.

Professor Sinistra reinvented constellations on her star maps, and most of them were highly inappropriate, and adult in nature.

Hagrid, it was understood, liked to eat the funny looking mushrooms that grew near the back of his hut, after which he would wander into the Forbidden Forest and try to involve the centaurs in something he called 'nekkid-happy-fun-time'.

Even Professor McGonagall wasn't safe. If you knew who to ask, you could learn that apparently Professor McGonagall favoured a rhinestone embellished black G-string, and a matching black bra that also had sparkly red tassels.

Those same red-headed twins that you knew to ask would then charge ten sickles to remove the horrifying image they'd just put in your head.

The rumours about Dumbledore were even more outrageous, like the idea that he bathed in a tub full of lemon drops, or that he ran naked up and down the staircases in the middle of the night shouting out quotes from The Breakfast Club.

Professor Flitwick wasn't immune to the rumours, either. They ranged from "Professor Flitwick is half-pixie" to "Professor Flitwick is having a mad three-way affair with Madam Pomfrey and the Giant Squid".

Utterly ridiculous, of course.

On the flipside, Filius Flitwick thought as he sneaked out of his office one night, at night, Hogwarts was completely silent.

He tiptoed to the second floor landing, and somewhere far above him he could hear someone shouting: "_I want to be an airborne ranger! I want to live a life of danger!_"

Filius shook his head and sighed as the voice continued, closer now, with the added sound of thudding footsteps. "_Before the day I die, there's five things I want to ride: bicycle, tricycle, automobile…_" Filius stepped back slightly as the lemon-drop-scented Headmaster reached the second floor landing. He didn't stop, he just continued to run, his hands clasped in front of him to preserve some dignity as he continued: "_Vernon's mother and a Ferris wheel!_"

…_Almost_ completely silent.

Filius began his descent down the stairs, meeting up with the Headmaster again near the first floor landing. This time he was shouting something about a naked blonde, a poodle, and a two-foot salami.

As he entered the Entrance Hall he found Argus Filch curled up in a foetal position in the corner, holding his cat to his chest. Filius avoided eye contact, but as he passed the caretaker he heard him say "Nanny… I love you, Nanny…"

He almost passed out when Snape and McGonagall waltzed out from the dungeons, Snape in his leotard, fishnets and heels, and McGonagall in her G-string and tasselled bra, both singing "What's New Pussycat". Filius mentally noted that he'd have to seek out the Weasley twins the next morning.

The large doors creaked as Filius pushed them open, and pulling his cloak tightly around him he set off in a trot towards the Lake. He turned towards Hagrid's Hut when there was a pained shout and a rumbling crash; near the edge of the Forest, Hagrid was on the ground, clutching his groin where a centaur (who looked wild-eyed and terrified) had apparently kicked him. He sent a Patronus off to Madam Pomfrey to let her know that Hagrid would be on his way before continuing on his own.

He shrugged off his cloak as he reached the Lake. Far off on the horizon, the Giant Squid breached the surface and began swimming lazily towards him.

"Hello, Roger," Filius said as the Squid reached him. "I'm afraid Poppy won't be joining us tonight. She'll be tending to Hagrid." He stripped down to his undershorts and made his way into the water. As he floated in the water, he could distantly see Albus open a window and stick his head out.

"_Does Barry Manilow know you raid his wardrobe?_" he shouted, and closed the window again.

"Quite," said Filius, after a short pause. "By the way, Roger," he added, turning to his companion, "we will need to be a bit more careful. The students have started to talk."

Roger the Giant Squid stroked Filius' face with a gigantic tentacle, and Filius gave in to the fishy ministrations.

Back in the castle, on the seventh floor, Ron Weasley chanced a peek out the window that overlooked the Lake, and did a double-take. It had to be a trick of the light, he thought, rubbing his head. He thought he'd seen his Charms Professor doing some rather unsavoury things with the Giant Squid.

Shaking his head and laughing at the insane idea, he made his way to the tapestry of Barnabas the Barmy, who, as usual, was trying to teach the trolls in the tapestry ballet. He took off his cloak as he stood in front of the tapestry, leaving himself completely bare.

"Now," he said. "Where did we get to last time? Ah! Pirouettes!"

**The idea for this little one-shot came to me via Chapter 32 of 'Draco Malfoy and His Unknown Fate', where the author jokes that one of the pairings for the chapter would be Flitwick/the Giant Squid. My need for humour made me sad when there was no Flitwick/Giant Squid interaction. So I wrote my own, and chucked Poppy in for a laugh. Sorry for the disturbing images. And yes, I know a Giant Squid isn't a fish. I just thought 'fishy ministrations' had a nice ring to it. Also, if there are any fans of 'The Breakfast Club' out there… Is anyone else disappointed that there was no punch line to the joke about the naked blonde, the poodle, and the two-foot salami? Virtual cookies to anyone who comes up with a hilarious conclusion!**

**Please review :-)**


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